Posts Tagged ‘spam’

Akismet caught this comment in its multifarious filters, from a commenter named “Win Quibids Auctions”:

Well, I agree with what you wrote, but not with all of it. Regardless, it’s all beneficial material. Thanks!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WIN QUIBIDS AUCTIONS? YOU HAVE TOLD ME THAT SOME MATERIAL YOU AGREE WITH, BUT SOME YOU DO NOT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? MY EGO DEMANDS THAT YOU GIVE ME AN ANSWER!! BE MORE SPECIFIC!!! ENGAGE ME IN DIALOGUE!!!!! TELL ME!!!!!!!! I NEED TO KNOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(ahem)

*hits “empty spam folder” button*

~ Ian

(Monty Python, “Spam Song”)

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Some Advice For Spambots

Posted: August 16, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

I’m getting really annoyed with spam that goes like this:

I love this post! It’s so awesome, it is like drowning in a sea of fresh lemon-scented kittens! I will share this with all my friends and family. Thank you, Axolotl Ceviche. You have changed my life with your words!

To which I will respond: dude, you’re kind of undermining the compliments that you give to me by having the screen name “Sexy Asian Women Porn Hotline”. Or something of that nature.

Seriously, spambots: commenting on blog posts is about engaging in dialogue, not splooging all over the writer’s face with flowery compliments. I’m just glad that Akismet catches most of the spamposts before they get out into the world.

~ Ian

In my Shakespeare class this quarter, we’re currently reading a little-known and minor comedy called Hamlet. Because my brain is incredibly weird sometimes, I came up with this completely random piece of crazy bullshit. I call it “Spamlet”.

Think of it as kind of a bonus Creative Writing Wednesday for this week.

~ Ian

 

Honourable sir or madam’

I give blessigns to gOd that I have found a person who may possibly help me out from my currant situation. I hope that you will to chose be noble, and to help out a fellow humane being who is in dire and despirate need))

Allow my to introduce myself my name is HAMLET. I am a Royal Prince of Denmark, and have exceedingly wealthy stores of moneys that totals up in their entirety to well over 400 millions of dollars. However I have fallen on despiration and look only to you, my potentil benifactor from a far nation\ My father king Hamlet was murdered by my uncle, claudius who scarsely a month after the funeral of my father the kIng married my, mother Gertrude, which let me in a state most very profonde depression. After my fathers’ foul and unknoble murder I was chancing to see my Father’s Ghost upone the walls of my magnificint and expensive catsle where i was changed by my father’s gh0st to avenge his murder by doing away with his murderer my uncle, and in an attempt to avnege my Fathers death I aciidentally murdreed my uncles councillor POlonius. I am currently in england where i await the speedy and charitable return of this email from you, my friend in a time of disparate need. I cannot acess my incredibly vast and wealthy fortune from here in england so i must turn to the kidness of a stranger to help me in my time of sorrows. Please send me, a check, in the order of 5000$dolars and i will repay you ten times over again when i am back in denmarK and have avenged my farther and ceded myself on the throne. 

May Gods’ Blessing Go With You At All Times, 

HAMLET, CROWN PRINCE OF DENMARK

_@zAH>Mjs3^s(p<AqI4@(sShI;]\w?3kZEmP!0.aB,p#3

So I was looking through the spam filters here at Axolotl Ceviche, and I found a particularly enlightening post from a commenter named “free tv shows on internet”, which was on my Hugo Award thoughts post:

“Someone essentially assist to make seriously articles I’d state. This is the very first time I frequented your web page and up to now? I amazed with the analysis you made to create this actual put up extraordinary. Excellent task!”

Well, Free, thank you so much. Here at Axolotl Ceviche, I eternally strive to essentially assist to make seriously articles. And I’m so glad you amazed with my analysis. In fact, your the fact that you called my actual put up extraordinary touches me. Deeply.

Very.

Deeply.

Excellent task,

~ Ian