Posts Tagged ‘Shakespeare’

In my Shakespeare class this quarter, we’re currently reading a little-known and minor comedy called Hamlet. Because my brain is incredibly weird sometimes, I came up with this completely random piece of crazy bullshit. I call it “Spamlet”.

Think of it as kind of a bonus Creative Writing Wednesday for this week.

~ Ian


Honourable sir or madam’

I give blessigns to gOd that I have found a person who may possibly help me out from my currant situation. I hope that you will to chose be noble, and to help out a fellow humane being who is in dire and despirate need))

Allow my to introduce myself my name is HAMLET. I am a Royal Prince of Denmark, and have exceedingly wealthy stores of moneys that totals up in their entirety to well over 400 millions of dollars. However I have fallen on despiration and look only to you, my potentil benifactor from a far nation\ My father king Hamlet was murdered by my uncle, claudius who scarsely a month after the funeral of my father the kIng married my, mother Gertrude, which let me in a state most very profonde depression. After my fathers’ foul and unknoble murder I was chancing to see my Father’s Ghost upone the walls of my magnificint and expensive catsle where i was changed by my father’s gh0st to avenge his murder by doing away with his murderer my uncle, and in an attempt to avnege my Fathers death I aciidentally murdreed my uncles councillor POlonius. I am currently in england where i await the speedy and charitable return of this email from you, my friend in a time of disparate need. I cannot acess my incredibly vast and wealthy fortune from here in england so i must turn to the kidness of a stranger to help me in my time of sorrows. Please send me, a check, in the order of 5000$dolars and i will repay you ten times over again when i am back in denmarK and have avenged my farther and ceded myself on the throne. 

May Gods’ Blessing Go With You At All Times, 




I found this on my hard drive recently, and I have no idea where it comes from.

I mean, I know I wrote it. I looked up several random phrases on Google, and got no results. The problem is, I just don’t know when.

The Pages document says that it was last modified September 9, 2011 (s0 just after my birthday, and just before fall quarter started). As for the content, well… here it is. Consider it a kind of bonus Creative Writing Wednesday for this week, even though I’m starting to suspect that it was put on my hard drive by magical writing pixies.

~ Ian










To this majestic city in the sky

Have I come across the void of black space

Searching for my friends; and yet found them not

And I know not if they be quick or dead.

It is a cursed thing, to never know

Whether one’s efforts shall be successful

Or, by unlucky hap, doom’d to failure.

For these long months have I been sep’rated

From them, sequester’d on a swampy rock

As far from them as black Hell from Heav’n,

Exerting myself in wholesome labours

Till I achieve my goal. Aye, a Jedi

I’ll become, and to the Death Star away

and kill foul Palpatine for liberty

And dead Kenobi. But first I must do

What ev’ry man must: protect my friends.

Though I am not yet a Jedi, I am strong,

And let no man say my courage is false.

–But soft, someone approacheth:


(Enter VADER.)




Bane of the Empire, Palpatine’s curs’d foe,

It pleaseth me greatly to see thee here.

For I will strike thee down, and with your death

Deal a mighty blow to the rebellion

As may cause its death.



Strike me down you may,

Lord Vader, but even so, the Rebellion

Shall live on. As long as there is bravery

Within the hearts of men, and strength enough

To lift a sword, then we will carry on.

So kill me, Vader, but that will not end

The Rebel Alliance. So, come at me,

Vader, put up your sword.



Thou hast courage,

Sky-walker, but thou art not a Jedi.



Not yet, ‘tis true, but I have strength enough.


(They fight.)



Thou art valiant, boy. Long-dead Kenobi

Hath taught thee full well.



Aye, he hath taught me

Enough to leave you dead.


(They fight. Vader severs Sky-Walker’s hand.)



Now admit defeat, young Luke Sky-Walker,

And know this, that thou art the weaker one.

I claim victory; I am the master.

But before thou diest, apprentice Jedi,

I must know: had Obi-wan told to thee

what happen’d to your father?



He told me all;

He told me that you were his murderer,

And that you kill’d him.



He was a liar.

Nay, Sky-walker, Kenobi told it false:

I am thy father.



It cannot be! You speak naught but falsehood!



Look within thy heart and search thy feelings.

Thou knowest I speak truth.



Cursed am I,

that Master Kenobi never told me!



So know this, Sky-walker: I shall grant you

A choice: you may die by my hand, and thus

Shall a great enemy to the Empire

Fall in the field of battle. However,

Another choice may be yet granted thee.

Join me; stay at my right hand. Together,

As Emperors over the galaxy

Shall we rule, lords of all we survey,

Father and son, like Jove and Apollo,

Masters of the heavens. What say you, son?



I say ye nay.



So be it; a soldier’s

Death you die.



–But hold; there’s a final choice.



Speak, now, what is it?



I’ll fall from here, this

Pinnacle, this lofty place, high above the

Never-ending sky of Bespin-planet.

Thus like Phaeton shall I plummet, a shooting

Star to light the night, a meteor from

Towering Olympus. Thus shall I die,

Falling to the planet’s core, forever,

Till heat and pressure crush me, and I join

With the very stuff of great Bespin itself.

So will I die, and from this life expunge

My curs’d villain’s blood.



‘Twould be a craven’s death.



Cravenly it is, and yet I’ll take it.


(He falls.)



My purpose here upon this planet hath

Been made complete: Solo entrapped in

Impermeable carbonite, and young

Sky-walker is now dead. I’ll leave this place,

And hie me back to Courescant, await

My lord’s command. Emperor Palpatine

Constructeth a new Death Star, to destroy

Forever the Rebel Alliance. I’ll

Go there, and then make war ‘pon the hated

Rebel Fleet. I shall away. Sky-walker is slain,

The Rebels routed, and thus I take my leave.