IAQ

Infrequently Asked Questions

 

I’m hungry. Where can I get a sandwich around here?

If by “around here” you mean Santa Cruz, then Joe’s Pizza and Subs is a good place to get a sandwich.

Some runners up are Erik’s Deli Café, and Zoccoli’s Italian Delicatessen.

 

What is your favorite variety of polyhedral dice?

If we’re just talking about the standard six, then it’s the d12. It really doesn’t get enough love.

However, for non-standard dice, then I have to admit that I love the d100. And I don’t mean the traditional way of rolling d100, which is really just rolling 2d10. I mean the big, giant golf-ball sized dice that you may have seen at gaming specialty stores.

 

My chickens keep pooping all over the place! How do I get them to stop?

You can’t.

Unlike mammals, chickens have no colons. They can’t store their poop before pooping. They just poop whenever it’s poopin’ time.

 

Growing up, what was your greatest fear?

Stellar evolution.

 

Who is your favorite member of Monty Python?

Terry Gilliam.

 

Please explain to me the concept of love.

It cannot be explained– only experienced.

 

Where do you think we go if we die?

If we’ve been good, then we go to Valhalla.

If not, then Orange County.

 

What is Robo-Vegas 9000?

My name for Fresno, California.

 

What is your favorite minor planetoid?

Quaoar.

It’s just got such a weird name.

 

Favorite episode of Firefly

“Shindig”.

 

I think I saw you at a nude beach one time!

You’re wrong.

 

Q: Are we not men?

A: How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?

 

Where do babies come from?

Everyone you know will die one day.

 

What is your race/class/alignment combo?

CG Dwarf Barbarian.

 

What is Canada’s deal, man?

Look. I understand that you’re secretly jealous of Canadians.

In fact, we all are. The frozen perfection of our neighbors to the north is well-known.

Yes, Americans like to make fun of Canada. Yes, Canadians are easy targets. But you know what? Deep down inside, we all want to be Canadian– to roam the wild prairies clad in only multicolored money with pictures of the Queen on it, bugling like a noble moose.

But we cannot achieve that perfection.

And so, as we lay our heads down to rest at night, every man, woman and child south of the 49th parallel weeps a single, shining tear, for we are all so close to Canada– and yet, so infinitely far.

 

All right, what’s Mexico’s deal, then?

An overly-plentiful supply of frijoles refritos. And an ancient Mayan curse.

 

Does free will exist?

Of course free Wil exists. I mean, just look on Wil Wheaton’s website. He gives out tons of stories– and all for free!

 

What is your favorite obscure California landmark?

The Arches of Pointlessness, located to the east of Lodi.

I mean, come on. They’re so pointless!

 

What is your favorite swear word?

Shitfucker.

 

Given that we are nothing more than collections of dead atoms, located on a spinning ball of coagulated stardust that will one day burn in the swollen corona of our sun, and that even the protons that make up our beings have a half-life, is there any point to existence at all?

Six.

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