Archive for December, 2012

In the fall of 2010, I had an idea. I’d just watched all of Legend of Neil and the Guild, and I’d decided that I wanted to make a web series. That idea didn’t pan out, of course, but I still thought it would be cool.

Now, I’d basically forgotten all about this, until just recently, when my friend Kendall (she of the Female Tenth Doctor/Samus Aran makeout drawing) and I were talking about projects that we’d started at one point, but hadn’t finished. I started talking about my idea for the web series, she thought it was hilarious, and before I knew it, I wanted to put the script for the first episode up here.

The name of the web series was Professor Hideyoshi, Last Japanese Man, and it would have been a parody of a live-action Japanese science fiction show from the 1970s. I planned for it to be full of incredibly right-wing propaganda, and make no sense– completely utter in its terribility. But that wasn’t all. In my concept for the show, I would have had the parts of the characters be played by Asian actors on screen, but dub over them in the most terrible Engrish that you could imagine. In any case, I thought these scripts were funny when I was a freshman, and maybe they are. I don’t know.

In any case, this is the first episode of “Professor Hideyoshi: Last Japanese Man”.

~ Ian

 

PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI: LAST JAPANESE MAN

EPISODE 1: VAGINA IS NO IMPEDIMENT TO LOVE

 

(A black screen, with white text.)

 

TEXT: There have been many attempts at making live-action Japanese science fiction shows. From Dr. Burkowski, Time-Traveling Drunken Lion: FIGHT! to Super-sonic Love Hushpuppy: Warp Speed, there have been many great pieces of Japanese television. But possibly the greatest of them is Professor Hideyoshi: Last Japanese Man

 

(Slow fade to a new set of words.)

 

TEXT: Professor Hideyoshi: Last Japanese Man (教授秀吉:最後に日本の男) ran for three seasons from 1978 to 1980 on Japan’s NB2 network. It was a response to the popularity of such American science fiction franchises as Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica. Despite being wildly successful, it was mysteriously canceled in the middle of its third season.

 

(Slow fade to a new set of words.)

 

TEXT: This is the only English dubbing, which was recorded in a Radio Shack in Mountain View, California, in 1986.

 

(Sudden shift to a huge, overblown theme song. It is flashy, colorful, and over-the top. Various scenes of Professor Hideyoshi, Jupiter Space King, in action-packed poses, Miko the Kitsune looking submissive and sultry in her schoolgirl outfit, lots of rainbow flashing lights and explosion-effects. The theme song plays, a hyper-intense J-pop dance tune. It is in English. There are Japanese subtitles beneath the English words, which say something completely different that anything that the actual English theme-song words actually say.)

 

THEME SONG:

Yeah I fly so high

Way up in the sky

I am not a banana

Into outer space

See my happy face

But I am a kangaroo

Hey! Hey! I am strong!

I am never be defeat!

I am super powerful!

With my kitsune!

Magic rainbow powers!

My ding-dong is enormous!

I am Hideyoshi-

sensei…

LET’S GO! FIGHT!

 

JAPANESE SUBTITLES:

Why did you bother to translate these?

I mean, come on, it’s not as if

they really mean anything.

You must be a complete moron.

Why the fuck are you even trying?

You have no life.

Get out of your mom’s basement.

Stop watching porn.

Actually do something worthwhile.

You make me sick.

If I had my way, you’d be shot.

With a sniper rifle.

You don’t deserve to live.

I hope you die.

Hail Satan.

 

(Long, slow pan over Professor Hideyoshi’s LOVE DRAGON SPACE ORBIT STATION. It is the typical sort of wheel-shaped space station that was always popular in science-fiction movies of the 60s and 70s. It is a piece of crap: it’s obvious that it’s made of cardboard with some aircraft-carrier parts stuck on, and the fishing line that suspends it in front of a background. The background is a Pioneer picture of Jupiter on a glittery piece of black paper. They really busted out the production values on this one.)

 

(Cut to the inside of the space station. It is a typical Star-Trek Style space station interior. Production values are, again, bargain-basement prices. There is a large computer screen against one wall, and a lot of switches and buttons. PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI sits in a large metallic command seat, with several important-looking levers and switches in front of him. He is drinking a bottle which is labeled, in Japanese, SEMEN.)

 

PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI: (takes a sip from his bottle of water, then spews it all over the controls) Ugh! Foul stuff! My water taste as if I am drinking urine from anus of gay monkey! Computer!

 

(The computer is a woman with a smooth and sultry voice, like a fashion model. It basically appears as a bunch of LEDs that flash and pulse.)

 

COMPUTER: You call me, Professor Hideyoshi?

 

PROFESSOR: My water is disgusting! It is being foul aftertaste!

 

COMPUTER: Most sorry am I, illustrious Professor of the Stars. Very unfortunate. But we are being low supplies. Hydrogen synthesis is becoming difficult. There is very great lack of hydrogen that is being on board of space station.

 

PROFESSOR: It is foul! Is more hydrogen procurable?

 

COMPUTER: I am sorry. Hydrogen is most rare in this part of universe.

 

PROFESSOR: Ever since Earth was become destroy, supplies are being unfortunately low. It is most tragic and not at all happy.

 

COMPUTER: Most tragic. I apologize most humbly from bottom of circuitboard, Professor.

 

PROFESSOR: APOLOGY IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH, COMPUTER WHORE! (throws an empty water bottle, also labeled SEMEN, at COMPUTER)

 

COMPUTER: Oww! Professor! You are hurting the me!

 

HIDEYOSHI: YOU ARE UNACCEPTABLE!

 

(MIKO, a very young woman enters. She has fox ears, the tail of a fox, and is wearing a very skimpy schoolgirl outfit.)

 

MIKO: Professor Hideyoshi! You are making the noisy and destroying peaceful slumber!

 

PROFESSOR: I apologize most humbly, Miko the android kitsune sex woman! I be quiet now.

 

COMPUTER: (sarcastically) You were certainly making the noisy while you happy-sexing last night with Professor, Miko. It was most unharmonious and disturbing.

 

MIKO: (haughtily) What noisy I the making is personal business of me, Computer. You would be less bitch if you getting the laid many times.

 

PROFESSOR: Miko! Such unladylike language!

 

MIKO: Most sorry, Professor. I go now. (exits)

 

COMPUTER: I am being so jealous of her, Professor!

 

PROFESSOR: Why you are being jealous, Computer?

 

COMPUTER: She is so beautiful! And you are never the penetrating me with your most mighty and large penis.

 

PROFESSOR: THAT IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO VAGINA!

 

COMPUTER: Vagina is no impediment to love!

 

PROFESSOR: I cannot change my mind! I am in love with Miko! She is being a proper woman, and she do everything I command! She will be my wife when she is being turn eighteen!

 

COMPUTER: I will do your command, Professor! I am doing what you say!

 

PROFESSOR: THEN BE SYNTHESIZE BETTER WATER!

 

COMPUTER: Not possible, Professor! I am the having no hydrogen!

 

PROFESSOR: (stands up dramatically) I am no choice! I must fly to hydrogen mines on Neptune for the getting of hydrogen!

 

COMPUTER: But Professor! Is most dangerous! Hydrogen mines of Neptune are being control of most unsavory and dangerous Lord Space-Kappa!

 

PROFESSOR: NO CHOICE! SADDLE THE CHARIOTS!

 

(Cut to Professor Hideyoshi boarding a spaceship.)

 

MIKO: I wish you not going, Professor! You may die! You are last human from Earth planet, and also my joyful sex-lover! I am most fearful!

 

PROFESSOR: You are robot, and so not being of the most understandful. Water is source of human life. Water is made of hydrogen. No hydrogen on space station. Therefore, no hydrogen and I die. Without delicious thirst-quenching water of coldness and purity, your joyful sex-lover will die of thirst with most scratchy of the throat. If I go, I might not die. And I might die immediately rather than being slow prolonged death. So it is most happy.

 

MIKO: I… I am being comprehension, Professor. I hope you are safe.

 

PROFESSOR: I will be safe, Miko. And I expect super happy joy blowjob to keep up my whiskeys when I return!

 

MIKO: I will, Professor! Good luck!

 

(PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI blasts off in his spaceship, and flies off to Neptune.)

 

(Shot of the interior of the spaceship. Professor Hideyoshi is flying in his spaceship. Stars are flying past on a bluescreen. He is piloting it with great speed.)

 

PROFESSOR: Computer, I am need information for epic battle with great Space-Kappa. Please to giving.

 

COMPUTER: Of course, Professor. I am always obedient and graceful servant of you, even though no vagina. Space-Kappa was once Kappa in Fukushima district of Japan before Earth destroyed by most dishonorable and unfortunate nuclear bombs of United States. He escape in spaceship, like you. Unfortunately he turn the evil, unlike you who is become most noble. Through most tragical and unhappy series of space battles, Space-Kappa consolidate all Yakuza on Neptune under his mighty fist. He control hydrogen mines. No hydrogen leave Neptune without first becoming approve by Yakuza, and no Yakuza approve hydrogen without permission of Space-Kappa.

 

PROFESSOR: So Space-Kappa control hydrogen!

 

COMPUTER: Yes. Space-Kappa is weak, and cannot fight. He have most dishonorable laser-ninjas. They fight for him and alone.

 

PROFESSOR: I see! The defeating laser-ninjas is way to kill Space-Kappa and get hydrogen! But how to defeat laser-ninjas? Is most puzzling!

 

COMPUTER: Obviously laser-ninjas have not encountered bold and handsome Japanese hero. You are the kill them with easily.

 

PROFESSOR: But they are made of lasers!

 

COMPUTER: Lasers cannot overcome the might of Japanese man! Not even bombs of dishonorable and evil President of United States of America is destroy all Japanese man! And bombs is more powerful than lasers!

 

PROFESSOR: You give many compliment both me and to Japanese people. But apologies, for I cannot have sex with you, for lack of vagina.

 

COMPUTER: Most apologies. Approaching the Neptune at this time.

 

PROFESSOR: Good. (He pulls a pair of goggles over his eyes.) For fighting, then.

 

(Cut to PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI in the hydrogen mines of Neptune. They are in a dark cave, which is obviously made from paper and cardboard. On a pedestal in the center of the room is a large tacky-looking crystal.)

 

PROFESSOR: Most fortuitous! Enough hydrogen to make water for many thousands of days! (He picks up the crystal, and as he does, alarm bells go off.)

 

VOICE: (offscreen) To where are you the going with my most precious hydrogen, Professor Hideyoshi?

 

PROFESSOR: Space-Kappa!

 

(The camera shows SPACE-KAPPA, a hideously ugly creature who doesn’t even look anything like a real monster. His face is a gorilla mask with two halves of a gold ball with black spots on them for eyes. He is wearing a “turtle shell” that is obviously made of cardboard. He is wearing a baseball cap, and his arms are painted green.)

 

SPACE-KAPPA: Most glorious day! I see that Professor Hideyoshi, last Japanese man in all universe is being the steal my hydrogen! Most dishonest! Why are you the steal my hydrogen, Professor Hideyoshi? Is this what Japanese people are come to? Steal hydrogen from poor Yakuza to survive?

 

PROFESSOR: Japanese people are most noble and honorable forever until end of forever! It is YOU who is dishonorable, Space-Kappa! Most foul and wretched deeds! You control all hydrogen, and by the control the hydrogen the control the water! And Japanese man will die without water, which means hydrogen! Most unsavory!

 

S-K: How most very unhappy tragic! I do not care! Free market must dictate that one man, or one Space-Kappa, control all hydrogen on Neptune! And that is ME! LASER-NINJAS!

 

(Four LASER-NINJAS appear out of nowhere. They are dressed in all black, except they have those glow-necklace thingies on their necks and arms. They wear traditional ninja-costumes: you know. They’re ninjas, okay?)

 

S-K: KILL THE PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI WITH MANY PAINFUL!

 

PROFESSOR: YOU CANNOT DEFEAT HONOR OF JAPANESE MAN! YAAAAAAA! (a katana materializes in PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI’S hands, and he charges at the LASER-KNIGHTS.)

 

(There is a really badly coordinated fight scene. J-pop dance music plays, and the PROFESSOR hacks and stabs at the LASER-NINJAS, kicking and punching in a horrible awkward manner. The ninjas simply run at PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI, impaling themselves on his sword. While all this happens, the screen flashes in seizure inducing colors, changing colors really fast: five hertz, maybe? Something designed to cause epilepsy, anyway. While all this is going on, PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI screams horrifyingly stupid and cliché war cries.)

 

PROFESSOR: BANZAIIIIII!

 

PROFESSOR: YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME!

 

PROFESSOR: MY PENIS IS ENORMOUS!

 

(Now all the LASER-NINJAS are dead. Who forgot to give them weapons, anyway?)

 

PROFESSOR: I am being victory, Space-Kappa! You horrible kingship is OVER!

 

S-K: Not so quickly, Professor! You see, I am having pistol!

 

(He pulls out a gun and shoots at PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI. The good PROFESSOR dodges, and does a judo roll to the side.)

 

S-K: Swear word! He is most quickly!

 

(He shoots again. He misses many times. PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI rolls up to him and smacks the gun out of his hand. Then he grabs the baseball cap off of SPACE-KAPPA’s head.)

 

SPACE-KAPPA: Unfortunate! My hat of power!

 

PROFESSOR: Your unsavory magic is being gone for eternity, Space-Kappa! Now I am in control!

 

(PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI starts flaming. He flies up into the air– clever editing. He freezes, and a large Imperial Japanese flag goes up behind him: you know, the ones used in WWII on kamikaze planes. Various symbols of Japan fly up behind him: cherry trees laden with blossoms, Mount Fuji, Japanese pheasants, that sort of thing. Huge hiragana characters appear behind him. They read, for anyone who wants to translate them: SOUTH KOREA IS MY MASTER NOW.)

 

PROFESSOR: FOR THE HONOR OF GREAT AND NOBLE AND NOT AT ALL SMALL-PENISED JAPANESE MAN!

 

(Cut back to normal view. PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI punches SPACE-KAPPA in the jaw. He collapses, and crawls away: a harmless, innocent turtle.)

 

PROFESSOR: Now I have the hydrogen! (He picks up the hydrogen crystal, and strides out triumphantly.)

 

(Cut to PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI flying away triumphantly in his spaceship. The planet Neptune explodes behind him.)

 

(Back on the control deck of PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI’s space station.)

 

MIKO: That was most adventure, Professor! I am so happy that you are have hydrogen and are also being not dead!

 

PROFESSOR: Super-excellent, Miko! You are being most adoration! You will make fine wife when you are leaving the puberty!

 

MIKO: I am trying my most best, Professor. I am so relieved that we are having water, now! Is most fortuitious! Now you will not the dying!

 

PROFESSOR: Yes. Hydrogen was enough to make water for many thousands! It is super joyful!

 

MIKO: Miko is overcome! I must give you super-happy joy blowjob right now!

 

PROFESSOR: It is good for keeping up whiskeys! I will sit in my chair!

 

(He sits in his chair. MIKO puts her head between his legs.)

 

COMPUTER: Oh, why do I not be allowed to give Professor Hideyoshi super-happy joy blowjob?

 

PROFESSOR: THAT IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO MOUTH!

 

CREDITS:

 

(The credits, similarly to the opening titles, have one phrase written on the screen in Japanese, and an English subtitle. Of course, the Japanese phrase is completely different from the English “translation”.)

 

ENGLISH “TRANSLATION”:

 

PROFESSOR HIDEYOSHI: KAWASAKI TOYOTOMI

MIKO: SATSUMA KAORI

COMPUTER: SHIKOKU SHOTO

SPACE-KAPPA: MIYAMOTO SHIGERU

DIRECTOR: SENGOKU DAIMYO

PRODUCED 1978 BY NB2

 

ACTUAL JAPANESE WORDS:

 

i kill the black goat

it drips its blood

from its jugular vein

sweet red blood

in a silver chalice

hail satan

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This is the time of the long shadows. 

The earth slumbers, tucked beneath a white blanket,

all noise muffled and muted, softened by snow,

and the days have become short. Light lasts little,

and the nights are long and dark as velvet.

The sun barely shows its face, peeking above the horizon

for barely four hours at a time, then it leaves us,

leaving the earth in shadow once more.

 

This is a time of ice.

It is a time when white rime beards the branches of trees

and the frozen lakes shine silver in the light of the moon.

 

This is a time of stories.

For in the long nights, what else is there to do

but tell beautiful lies.

 

This is a time of hunger,

of fattened animals sleeping away in caves,

when no grain ripens and no fruit swells.

 

This is a time of beauty,

when all the colors are taken away from the world

and there is nothing but black and white,

like calligraphed ink and paper.

 

And all the while, through the time of long shadows

the earth slumbers, snug beneath its quilt of white

while beneath it life waits, wide-eyed and wondering,

waiting for flowers to blossom and green sap to flow.

The earth turns on, and all the world holds its breath,

no voice sounding, no sleep disturbed,

rolling ever onward through space,

dreaming of spring.

If I suddenly become Chinese and decide to have a career in martial arts movies, here is my screen name:

Sum Gai.

It’s pronounced exactly the same as “some guy”, and it’s PERFECT.

Imagine the conversations!

“Have you seen that new movie? It’s called Fists of the Tiger’s Buddha, and it stars Jackie Chan and some guy.”

“Yeah, that fight scene in the bamboo forest between Jet Li and some guy? Epic!”

Yes, I am willing to become Chinese and take up a career in kung-fu movies just so I can commit a low-level act of linguistic trolling.

That is how my brain works.

~ Ian

Why is it that the words “republican” and “democratic” are synonymous in the English language, but are opposites in the American political system?

~ Ian

I’ve been taking a break from really strenuous writing for the last couple of days, mostly working on a few side projects that really need revision at the moment. I’ve got a lot of hope for The Lotus Imperiate, and I assume that it’s going to be my first novel (well, not really my “first” novel, but the first one that I’m going to have published), but even so, it’s nice to take a break from the world of the Lotus Lords, and the crazy whacked-out conflicts between gods and mortals that are brewing there. Madness, I know, but still.

Although, I’m looking forward to the next draft, mostly because of the awesome changes that I’m going to put into the world. I’ve got a whole lot of ideas for the culture of Koroshi, the Japanese-analogue empire that is one of the two main countries in the world of tLI, especially revolving around the complicated politics and the caste system. I have to do a lot of research into the actual history and class system of Japan, of course, but that’s going to be part of the fun. After class today, I’m probably going to head up to the McHenry library on campus, and find some books on feudal Japan. I’m aware, though, that Koroshi is not Japan, just like Tai Sho (the other main nation in the world) is not China, and the Northerners are not necessarily Europeans. I’ve got ideas for their cultures that have nothing to do with the real world. And, after all, this is fantasy. I don’t want to restrict myself to actual history. I want to go off into strange new worlds. Japanese and Chinese culture is amazing and fascinating, of course, but there’s only so far you can take reality before it starts to get boring. I need to do research, of course– every fantasy writer does, after all, even if they’re writing a standard Medieval European fantasy novel– but even so, I want the world to be fresh and new, not something people have seen a million times before.

And then there’s the other stuff. One of my characters, Mara, is a little bit dull at the moment, but that’s going to change in the second draft. I’ve got so many cool ideas for what I’m going to do with her character. The book is told from multiple characters’ POVs, so I’m thinking that I want to do something that I haven’t seen anyone else do in fantasy, and have each POV character’s be told in a different person and tense. For example, Mara’s story, and that of Kitt Ashlocke, the Northern thief, basically beg to be told in first person. We need to be inside their heads, hear their voices. And I’ve got great ideas for what I’m going to do with the Lotus Lords, the actual god characters… Just you wait! It’s going to be so cool!

*ahem* Sorry. I’m the only one who’s read any of The Lotus Imperiate so far. I understand that it has to be boring listening to some guy rambling about things that are in his head and his head only. But I’m just so damn excited. Knowing what this book already is, and what it’s going to become… well, that’s an amazing feeling.

It’s a good feeling, when you get excited about something that you made, all by yourself.

~ Ian

 

1. Benjamin Franklin was a mind flayer.

2. Lichtenstein is the world’s largest producer of farm-raised human flesh (for export to the nation of Cannibalia).

3. The saxophone was invented by the Anglo-Saxons.

4. Anglerfish are roughly the size of the island of Manhattan.

5. SNOW is an acronym for Siliconitroxywonderflonium, a highly toxic chemical mind-control substance that the government uses to get people to go Christmas shopping.

6. THERE IS NO FACT SIX.

7. The sky is not actually blue. That’s an optical illusion caused by swamp gas. What color is it actually? Taupe.

8. Confucius had a younger brother named Kung-Fucious, who invented judo.

9. Ninety percent of the meat we eat IS MADE OUT OF BEES.

10. I can read your thoughts. Especially yours, Steve. Hey.

~ Ian

When I haven’t been busy with writing, homework, classes, or sleep in the last few weeks (which honestly hasn’t been a lot), my friends and I have often got together and played Super Smash Bros Brawl. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, because I think that the SSB series is the world’s best offline multiplayer game.

One thing that I’ve noticed, though, is that we have our own lexicon that we use when playing the game. I’m not talking about the standard, worldwide definitions that everyone seems to agree on (like calling that cave area in Hyrule Temple “Fight Club”, or referring to the act of repeatedly using the same attack over and over again “spamming”, or using “Final D” to mean the Final Destination stage, or even just calling Pikachu “Pikacheap” or “Cheapachu”). No, we have our own definitions, honed over years of play together, which we use that MAKE NO SENSE to anyone outside our little play group.

Like, for example, “pulling a Josh”. To pull a Josh is to throw a Poké Ball off the edge of the map when you get it, so that you can’t summon a Pokémon to fight and do your bidding. That saying has a complex etymology. Basically, nobody in our neighborhood knows this Josh– except for me. He was a person who lived in my dorm freshman year who would play Brawl with us. Whenever he got the Poké Ball, he would invariably throw it off of the map, whether he wanted to or not. Therefore, we referred to inadvertently throwing a Poké Ball off the edge of the world as “pulling a Josh.” This saying eventually transferred to the gaming group of the local neighborhood kids.

I wonder what happened to Josh. Winter quarter of my freshman year, he was expelled for threatening his roommate with a knife.

It’s probably best not to go and find out.

But I digress. We use a lot of slang in our matches. A “trophy wife” is a summonable trophy item. When we use a smash attack against a person, we don’t “smash attack” them, we “C-stick” them (because the command for Smash Attack on the Gamecube controller is the C-stick). A lot of the time, when we talk about a specific attack, we refer to it by the button we use to perform the attack. We never call a recovery move a recovery move. We call it an “up-B”. Pit is called “Arm-Pit”.

I’m sure that every group of friends who gets together and plays a game has these little slang terms that make no sense to anyone outside the group. Whether they play Super Smash Bros, or Call of Duty, or Halo, or Street Fighter, or Marvel Vs. Capcom, or Need 4 Speed, or Mario Kart, or Soul Calibur, or even just Wii Sports or Tony Hawk or a hundred different others– whatever it is, whether it’s a fighting game or a racer or a first person shooter or anything else, there’s always those little bits of language that reinforce the idea that you’re a part of the group, one of the gang, that you belong somewhere.

Still, there’s one piece of SSB-related slang that only we use that’s a little bit closer to my heart. We always call Captain Falcon “Captain Peehead”. This is juvenile, I know, but since we made up this word when we were eight, that’s no surprise. We’ve always called him Captain Peehead, ever since the first Super Smash Bros game, when we played over at my neighbor Tobin’s house, up in his room on a Nintendo 64. Whenever I hear someone call Captain Falcon “Captain Peehead”, it takes me back, to when I was just a kid, to those early days of elementary school, when there was no such thing as Final Smashes or side-B attacks, when I watched cartoons every day and liked to draw maps of fantasy universes, back in the beforetimes.

It gives me nostalgia. It gives me peace.

~ Ian