OH GOD THE BURNING IT BURNS ME IN THE EYES AND IN THE BRAIN GLAVIN

Posted: November 15, 2012 in Uncategorized
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It’s getting to be the Holiday™ Season® again, and we all know what that means:

Consumer catalogs mailed to every door in the country.

One of these consumer catalogs that arrived at our house was an American Girl catalog. You’ve probably heard of them: they’re the people who make various polyethnic dolls that live all throughout History Times. Now, since there are not and have never been any people living in the Johnson Household who fit into American Girl’s target demographic, I fully expected the catalog to go to that great recycling plant in the sky. But since I wanted to read something quick while my waffles were in the toaster (as I am a compulsive reader), I picked up the catalog, and flipped through it.

Now, I have seen some scary things. I have stared into the abyss, where madness and chaos doth lie. I have stood atop tall mountains and slid down them at high speeds with nary a butterfly in my stomach. I have even cleaned out what has come out of my brother’s dog’s butt (although that tested the limits of my sanity).

Suffice it to say, I am a brave and hardy fellow.

Which means that when I say that the following images WIGGED ME THE FUCK OUT, you can know how incredibly fiendish and terrifying they are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Axolotl Ceviche readers with sensitive stomachs may want to avert their eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No, seriously. You’ll want to back off now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you:

DOLL-SIZED PAJAMA OUTFITS.

WITH IDENTICAL GIRL-SIZED PAJAMA OUTFITS TO MATCH.

 

 

 

 

I can’t imagine what kind of parents would ever buy these… garments for their CHILD. I mean, considering the vast existential horror of the advertisements, don’t you think that any sensible head-of-household would immediately picture their sweet baby angel permanently disfigured by the mere touch of the outfit, burned and warped so that it turns into nothing more than a surface on which bleeding pustules grow, their infant-smooth epidermis contorted into a vessel for dark bile and hate?

I mean, look at this:

 

 

 

Looking at this picture, we can see a number of children, ostensibly happy, carrying dolls with the same appearance and ethnicity of the girl who bears it.

Now, wouldn’t any logical, sane person assume, when looking at this picture, that each doll was once human? And that she, when she was a living, breathing girl, had a dark twin, an evil doppelgänger who cast some manner of enchantment on her, cursing her to take the form of a doll forever, while her evil twin walked the earth in her place?

ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?

Of course, this final image seals the proof that American Girl is actually some kind of evil, supernatural force working for the active destruction of the earth and the bringing of the Apocalypse. Like Wolfram & Hart, only less cuddly:

Look at this picture. Now, normally you would assume that this was an ordinary-sized girl, holding an ordinary-sized doll.

But look at the evidence. The size of the furnishings. The rendering artifacts. The tasteful, modern sans-serif font in the product description. No, clearly the doll is actually THE SIZE OF A HUMAN CHILD, and has been turned into a doll by a MALEVOLENT, TEN-FOOT-TALL GIANTESS.

And do you know what’s worst of all? THEY DID THE SAME THING TO THE LITTLE GIRL’S CAT.

So, that’s American Girl for you. They’re enchanters, black magicians, possibly Satanists, and cat-murderers.

Tell your congressman.

And for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, IF ONE OF THESE DARK PAMPHLETS APPEARS IN YOUR MAILBOX, DO NOT TOUCH IT, LEST ITS CORRUPTING MAGICKS DRIVE YOU MAD. I WILL COME BY AND DISPOSE OF IT, FOR A NOMINAL FEE.

~ Ian

 

 

 

 

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