Archive for November, 2012

YOU GUYS YOU GUYS YOU GUYS.

Screen shot 2012-11-30 at 5.42.32 PM

I JUST WON NANOWRIMO.

kathleenbootyshake

katenamstyleairkixkathleen

I’m pretty tired right now. After all, I’ve just done the amateur writer’s equivalent of a marathon. Thirty days, 50,000 words… it’s hard, let me tell you.

But it’s SO worth it when you finish.

I’m glad that I took the time to do this. The Lotus Imperiate has doubled in length*, and I feel like it’s that much closer to being finally finished. Which means that I can write Game Over! And draft two of tLI! And all other sorts of things that I don’t have time for right now because it’s finals and I just finished NaNoWriMo!

In any case, I wrote tens of thousands of words, and this engladdens me.

And I got a certificate to prove it.

2012-Trad-Nano-Winner-Certificate1.2

And now, I rest. See you all later,

~ Ian

(awesome Desert Bus for Hope .gifs courtesy LoadingReadyRun)

*Yes, I know that I began tLI this summer. Tough. I wrote 50k words of it, and I’m standing by that.

That’s right. I’m a NaNoRebel, baby. Deal with it.

It’s the last week of NaNoWriMo. And how am I doing, you ask…?

AWE YISS. LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL NONSENSE.

I’m quite pleased with myself, actually. I’m about two-thirds to three-quarters done with The Lotus Imperiate, and I’m nearly at the 50,000 word mark for November. Which is awesome, because at this point, I’m starting to suspect that tLI is the longest thing that I’ve ever written.

So you know, when I finish tLI, it will be the first time I’ve finished a novel since… a long-ass time, let me tell you. Ever since the early days of my crappy Tolkien ripoffs. And I feel good about tLI. It’s not good yet (I still have a lot of revising to go through), but it feels like this is actually a story that I’m telling that’s good. There’s nothing wrong with the material. It’s only up to me whether I succeed or screw it up.

Anyway, if you’re doing NaNoWriMo, then keep on going. If you’re close to 50k, good luck reaching the top. And if you’re not… well, you tried, and there’s still time to finish with honor.

~ Ian

I am no longer in dog form. The transformational spell wore off on its own.

Not that you guys helped at all.

Assholes.

~ Ian

i hvae bin tunred inot a dig by an evol trasnfoarmatinal wizzard. i have mnaaged tp get to the compiter nd sned tis mesagge to tha wold via insernet.

plaese halp. it ix varry hrad ot perss teh keis with mt bigg cmubarsume paus, nad i thnik i heave fleas.

sned a parson to coem an hlap me, bekouse i can;t deal wthi beins in dogy from fro buch longr.

help mw.

~ ina

 

Now, let’s be clear here. When I say I don’t like Sonic the Hedgehog, that doesn’t mean I don’t like the Sonic games. I do. The original Sonic games are masterpieces of the platformer genre (although the recent games are basically hot catshit). Nor do I mean that I don’t like the universe. The disharmonious combination of Looney Tunes animation and cyberpunk dystopia that is the Sonicverse is awesome, in its crazy, weird way.

No, I just don’t like the character.

I mean, come on. Unless you’re delusional, you have to admit that Sonic the Hedgehog as a character is a complete cash-grab baked up by a marketing team for a second-string Japanese video game developer to be cooler than Mario. And I will admit that Sonic is cooler than Mario– if it’s 1991 and you’re twelve. But it’s twenty-one years after the first Sonic game came out, and the speedy blue Erinaceomorph is old enough to get drunk. And we’re accustomed to something more from our video game heroes than a cheap marketing gimmick. This is the era of Commander Shepard. Video games are coming into adulthood as a medium, and wearing sneakers and having an attitude isn’t enough to make you a fully-rounded character.

So, I’m sorry. Sonic, your games are (excuse me, were) great, but you’re still a flagrant corporate construct.

And honestly? The company that created Link, Fox McCloud, and Samus Aran is always going to be way cooler than Sega.

~ Ian

 

As you can see, I’m halfway done with NaNoWriMo.

So far, it’s still going well. I’m halfway up the mountain, and I’m starting to feel a little bit of the exhaustion setting in from climbing it. But, as you can see, there’s still a lot more left to go.

I’ll try to keep the slope of this graph roughly linear, as time goes on.

In the meantime, if you’re doing NaNoWriMo, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING READING SOME ASSHOLE’S LAME BLOG? GET OUT THERE AND WRITE, DAMMIT!

~ Ian

It’s getting to be the Holiday™ Season® again, and we all know what that means:

Consumer catalogs mailed to every door in the country.

One of these consumer catalogs that arrived at our house was an American Girl catalog. You’ve probably heard of them: they’re the people who make various polyethnic dolls that live all throughout History Times. Now, since there are not and have never been any people living in the Johnson Household who fit into American Girl’s target demographic, I fully expected the catalog to go to that great recycling plant in the sky. But since I wanted to read something quick while my waffles were in the toaster (as I am a compulsive reader), I picked up the catalog, and flipped through it.

Now, I have seen some scary things. I have stared into the abyss, where madness and chaos doth lie. I have stood atop tall mountains and slid down them at high speeds with nary a butterfly in my stomach. I have even cleaned out what has come out of my brother’s dog’s butt (although that tested the limits of my sanity).

Suffice it to say, I am a brave and hardy fellow.

Which means that when I say that the following images WIGGED ME THE FUCK OUT, you can know how incredibly fiendish and terrifying they are.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Axolotl Ceviche readers with sensitive stomachs may want to avert their eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No, seriously. You’ll want to back off now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you:

DOLL-SIZED PAJAMA OUTFITS.

WITH IDENTICAL GIRL-SIZED PAJAMA OUTFITS TO MATCH.

 

 

 

 

I can’t imagine what kind of parents would ever buy these… garments for their CHILD. I mean, considering the vast existential horror of the advertisements, don’t you think that any sensible head-of-household would immediately picture their sweet baby angel permanently disfigured by the mere touch of the outfit, burned and warped so that it turns into nothing more than a surface on which bleeding pustules grow, their infant-smooth epidermis contorted into a vessel for dark bile and hate?

I mean, look at this:

 

 

 

Looking at this picture, we can see a number of children, ostensibly happy, carrying dolls with the same appearance and ethnicity of the girl who bears it.

Now, wouldn’t any logical, sane person assume, when looking at this picture, that each doll was once human? And that she, when she was a living, breathing girl, had a dark twin, an evil doppelgänger who cast some manner of enchantment on her, cursing her to take the form of a doll forever, while her evil twin walked the earth in her place?

ISN’T IT OBVIOUS?

Of course, this final image seals the proof that American Girl is actually some kind of evil, supernatural force working for the active destruction of the earth and the bringing of the Apocalypse. Like Wolfram & Hart, only less cuddly:

Look at this picture. Now, normally you would assume that this was an ordinary-sized girl, holding an ordinary-sized doll.

But look at the evidence. The size of the furnishings. The rendering artifacts. The tasteful, modern sans-serif font in the product description. No, clearly the doll is actually THE SIZE OF A HUMAN CHILD, and has been turned into a doll by a MALEVOLENT, TEN-FOOT-TALL GIANTESS.

And do you know what’s worst of all? THEY DID THE SAME THING TO THE LITTLE GIRL’S CAT.

So, that’s American Girl for you. They’re enchanters, black magicians, possibly Satanists, and cat-murderers.

Tell your congressman.

And for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, IF ONE OF THESE DARK PAMPHLETS APPEARS IN YOUR MAILBOX, DO NOT TOUCH IT, LEST ITS CORRUPTING MAGICKS DRIVE YOU MAD. I WILL COME BY AND DISPOSE OF IT, FOR A NOMINAL FEE.

~ Ian

 

 

 

 

You know how some writers have these little annoying tics that they have, where they get obsessed with certain phrase structures and keep using it over and over again?

Well, I think I’m having that problem right now.

Or, rather, I’ve had it for a long time, but I’m only beginning to realize how frigging annoying it is.

I overuse parenthetical statements.

More specifically, I overuse parenthetical statements with em-dashes, rather than the more usual commas or parentheses.

I just did a count of em-dashes on The Lotus Imperiate, and I found out that there are 232 em-dashes in the whole document.

In a manuscript that is currently 219 pages long.

THAT IS A TOTAL OF 1.05936073059 EM-DASHES PER PAGE!

It’s incredibly annoying, because I want to destroy every parenthetical statement that I put down on paper. I want to cleanse my body of this foulness. It happens often enough that even I notice it, and I’m the writer. I’m not supposed to notice my individual stylistic tics.

So, what am I supposed to do? Is there some sort of chemotherapy by which I might purge myself of this disease? Some sort of em-dash enema?

An emema, perhaps?

~ Ian

deep thought #136-c

Posted: November 9, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Why aren’t female monkeys called “nunneys”?

~ Ian

NaNoWriMo: One Week In

Posted: November 7, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

So far, it’s going pretty well. I’m over par by about… oh… seven words, which means that I’ll probably finish on November 30, or thereabouts. I’m planning to write a lot more during the weekends, and it’s a long weekend coming up, so I’m hoping that I’ll gain a little bit of a tactical advantage over the weekends.

And it’s all going pretty damn well. The second third of the book, which is when more interesting stuff starts to happen, is beginning. I’m out of the messy, muddly exposition part, and I’m getting towards the middle, which is really where the meat of the book is. And even though I’m working on the first draft, and will keep on going until I finish it, I already have a lot of great ideas for Draft 2, which I’ll hopefully start on next year after I’ve written draft 1 of Game Over (which you can read about on my Projects page). I’m feeling really confident with The Lotus Imperiate at this point, actually. I’m hoping to get it published within five years, which looks more and more achievable as I keep writing.

We shall see how everything goes. In the meantime, here is a gif:

 

How’s your November going?

~ Ian