Axolotl Ceviche First Post: The Embloggening

Posted: January 1, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

So, there’s a lot of talk in the world these days that blogging is a dying art form. Which is strange: I read a lot of blogs, I enjoy blogs, and I feel that bloggery as a medium is still going strong. But then I hear people say, “Oh no! Fewer and fewer young people are blogging these days! They have been spoiled by the Facebook and the Twitter! Now blogging will be an ever-increasing flood of gray-maned seniors who post pictures of their cats!”

Thus I was faced with a conundrum. Should I try to get a blog? Or should I simply stay with the “timez”, getting a Tumblr and a Google+ account?

To that latter request, I have to say: Shuck that jive.

SHUCK. THAT. JIVE.

So, hi. I’m Ian Johnson. I’m a nineteen-year-old linguistics student, writer (one of my poems was totally in an anthology in high school! really! I’m not kidding!), and geek. Here are two facts about me:

  1. I do not book face. Nor do I tweet, tumbl, or plus. I am a misanthrope who is perpetually annoyed with everyone who is in my generation, as well as everyone who is not.
  2. I do like cats. Maybe you will see pictures of my cats here. Thus this blog may be christened as a True Blog With Actual Cat Pictures.

Okay. Are we clear? Yes. I suppose we are.

Why is this blog called “Axolotl Ceviche”? 

Because I like the sound of it. And both of them were the two most random things I could think of. Putting them together and making a blog means that I’m guaranteed to have a web presence that only I control. (Maybe one day I’ll register it as a domain name. Sigh… big dreams, Ian, big dreams).

In case you were wondering, an Axolotl is a kind of disgusting albino salamander that lives in the ooze at the bottom of certain Latin American lakes, and Ceviche is a kind of Mexican seafood dish.

(pictures removed 5/24/2012 ~Ian)

How do you pronounce “ceviche”?

“Seh-bee-chay”. You will notice that it is not pronounced “seh-veesh”. This is because the Mexicans do not speak French.

Seriously. It’s not that hard.

Who the hell are you, anyway?

I’m Ian Johnson. As has been mentioned above. I stand nine feet six inches in height. My musculature is so defined and toned that it can flatten a baseball traveling at two hundred miles an hour when it hits my abs. I tenderize New York steaks with my fists, and frighten mountain lions into submission with my gimlet-like stare. When I perform CPR on old ladies, they immediately resuscitate and lose sixty years, my saliva transfiguring them into the gorgeous wasp-waisted starlets of their wildest dreams. My beard has a mind of its own, and when I sleep, it comes to life, and Cthulhu-esque, wraps its tendrils around whole city buses, devouring them and digesting their remains into a paste that smells vaguely of fear.

My hobbies include reading fantasy and SF novels, writing, playing video games, skiing, listening to loud progressive metal, going for long walks on the beach, and making up lies about myself on the Internet.

But if you’re reading this, you probably already know me. You probably check this blog because I told you to.

If you don’t know me, congratulations! I must ask, though: what the hell were the search criteria that led you to this abyss?

So you write? What kind of things do you write?

I started writing in 2003, when I was just starting middle school. I was working on a fantasy epic that was basically just a blatant ripoff of Lord of the Rings, down to the very geography of the continent it was set on. Fortunately, I started working my way up from there. Now I’ve gone (in my opinion) from being horribly awful to merely passable. Maybe I’ll be good someday. Who knows?

And as for the things I write, it’s mainly short stories at the moment. Since my mind tends to go to a fantasy/SF/horror sort of place, then that’s what I write. If I ever wanted to write a pretentious-ass literary novel, a bodice-ripper with loopy letters on the front, or Monty Python erotic fanfiction, then yeah. I’d totally do it. But I don’t enjoy writing (or reading) those sorts of things, so I don’t.

If I write something that I don’t think is marketable, or serious, or even in any way sane and coherent, then I will probably post it here on Axolotl Ceviche for your delectation and amusement. So feel happy about yourself: you’re getting the dregs of my mental output! See how much I respect you guys?

(Note: I really do respect you. All of you. Especially you. The one who’s reading this right now. Yeah, you with the face. Hi.)

Why don’t you have a Facebook account?

Because Facebook is a soul-depriving, vampiric experience that devalues life and makes you buy virtual pigs for reasons that are completely unknown to me.

Seriously, what’s the deal with the pigs? I can’t figure that out.

What makes you different from all the other blogs out there on the Internet?

…I make good brownies?

Okay, I guess that’s all for now. Have fun. I’ll be posting here on occasion, whenever I feel like it. Sit down. Have a cigar. Maybe pour yourself a glass of cognac. Take off your shoes before you come into the living room; I just put in new carpets. And whatever you do, don’t wander off and go down into the basement. That way madness lies.

All my best,

~ Ian

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Comments
  1. Pam Lyon says:

    Well, as I understand, “ceviche” originally comes from the southern tip of South America (Peru, Bolivia, Ecuador, Chile). It is not a Mexican dish…

    • Ian Johnson says:

      True. But since I’m from California, I’m used to Mexican-style ceviche. It’s spread out from South America, and has kind of become a pan-Latino dish.
      In any case, my original comment that “the Mexicans do not speak French” still applies, since the South Americans do not speak French either (barring, of course, the French Guianans).
      Welcome to Axolotl Ceviche, by the way, Pam. It’s pretty okay.

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